An old man kneeling all alone plants his flowers in a garden of stone.

My profile, from time to time, will have this little profile balderdash in way that is very extremely stupidly immature. Yes, if you haven't already noticed. So what, it doesn't matter. Probably goin' to gehenna fire anyway. And other times I'll put other stuff up (sometimes I amaze myself at my use of extreme vocabulary such as "stuff" and "things"). Cautious maturity is tossed to the wind, but hey, that's me. Even getting older doesn't cure that. Now I over analyze things and I know it. And I don't talk to a lot of my friends because I suck as a friend; and I know it. Maybe if communication and the effort therein defines the quality of a friend, then I'm your worst enemy. Everything has a reason though. I've screwed up so many times in my life it's a joke. Some were just stupid decisions, some were stupid emotional decisions (emotions are a poison to logic) but most were decisions made in the dark, gray and cold; during times that seemed hopeless with no clear answer to the problems I had at the time. Desperation Decisions (can I trademark that phrase?). And most of them either hurt someone (gross understatement) or cost a lot of money. To date, my zeal to communicate is a fraction of what it used to be. Everyday I have zero confidence in the physical distant future (based on my ridiculously wrong decisions in the past). Basically, my disposition has changed significantly from my younger days and deems me as just a beaten down peon. Even though my family and myself have been blessed with good health and although I still might look like a young punk, I feel 75 on the inside and have the lack of energy to prove it. Lately, I usually don't have much to talk about and its usually not anything worthwhile even if I did - and I don't like chit chat so all that adds up to not communicating much. On a normal day I'm not usually one to post personal stuff (and things) like this out there for the www to see, but for whatever reason I feel in the mood to do my first blog (thats actually the first time I've ever typed 'blog'). Whatever, doesn't really matter I guess.

There is so much a man can tell you, so much he can say.

I don't know much, but these are my conclusions as of now:
1) My decisions in the cold season are not the wisest (another gross understatement) - so don't ask me anything until summer.
2) Any thought of the past can easily dominate the day - probably one reason why Paul says to not focus on the past. I'd take out a small loan in a heartbeat to buy a forget button.
3) Years of experience doesn't give you enough time left to use it for the positive
4) Eighteen years from now, I'll look back on this and think "what an idiot" (I'll be 50). Just like I look back now and think "what an idiot".
5) 1996 Sonics (NBA Finals) should all have their jerseys retired and hanging wherever they'll be playing until that great and dreadful day of the Lord. Clay Bennett is a tool of the devil and might possibly be the False Prophet.

That's about it. 3 months till it warms up.